Testing Times

Monday, 7 July 2014 at 5:45 pm
Kangra, Himachal Pradesh

Testing times are ahead... the journey came to abrupt halt due to unexpected turn of events in dharamkot. it was only 5th day of vipassana and everything was going perfectly fine and suddenly in evening i came to know that Nadya is not feeling well and after looking at her condition i decided to leave immediately from there n take her to hospital. it was already 7 in evening and nearest hospital was 25 km from dharamkot at dharamshala. as we reached to emergency ward, doctor wrote some medicines, it was already late for tests as all shops were already closed. so i got the medicines and after taking first dose she started feeling better, i also got a bit relaxed. then we got the nearest hotel from hospital to spend the night n do the tests in morning... but that was not wat happened...around mid night she again started feeling severe pain in abdomen and she was severely shivering with cold. i got so scared...i went out...everything was closed... i ran to hospital...somehow managed to arrange an ambulance and brought her again to hospital... but these people refused to do anything and referred her to a private hospital in another city...which was 30 km away....and 1 night nobody to drive us there....when i said i'll pay whatever u ask...only then one private ambulance agreed to take us there. it was an 40 minute ride....but it felt like 2 hours....nadya was falling unconscious.... i was so damn scared... one of the worst nights of my life. somehow we reached fortis hospital at kangra...went straight to emergency... they took hold of the situation and after half n hour she felt little better. a lot of tests were done immediately. in all this mess i forgot to bring enough money and atm card....but these people were kind enough to admit her without advance. i sat with her till 5 morning...then took a bus to dharamshala to get money and our stuff from hotel. while returning i took a taxi as i had 3 bags to carry...went in Rs.25 returned in Rs.500. anyway, money was not important at this point. after all reports it seems she has a stone in kidney....and it needs to operated through laser...tomorrow once again an x-ray will be done to be sure about it. i just pray that she gets fine as soon as possible... cant see her in so much pain...(((

towards silence....

Sunday, 29 June 2014 at 11:48 pm
Sonepat

Finally the day has come when we are going on the journey we waited for 4 months....with all possible odds that come on the way now seems unimportant....we got ticket in jhelum express, we are in B2...our seats are not together but thats not a big issue... any we have to just sleep...7 morning train reaches pathankot, from there we'll hire a taxi for McLeodganj.
Now its time to sleep...nadya is already sleeping.
tomorrow is a big day.
gud night.

Video blog-1: Toto playing with phone

This is how she plays with the phone while a fast song playing on it....

Visiting Kotdwar

This is my special visit to Kotdwar as i wanted to see the little daughter of Preeti....she is already 9 months old and whole house runs around her when she is not sleeping....) here people call her Totto....which came from a famous character  of a Japanese novel....

Every time i come here...it makes me love these people even more....i get perfect feeling of Bliss being around them....this time i not just met preeti and totto...but also poonam and rinki di....sadly parimal is not here...she is having a great time in Mumbai.....:-)

And here i'm also missing Rahul....last time when we came here...we had hell of a time....we explored whole Kotdwar on our own.... well, some day we'll come here  again and relive the moments.

Random thoughts

I hate writing...actually i don't know the art of writing...never been taught...my schooling was so bad that i still regret that phase of my life...it was not a school..it was hell....literally. I spent six precious years of my life there...and out of those six...four were complete hell....everyday single was a nightmare....almost everyday i was beaten by people who were strangers to me...they were my seniors...it all started in year 1995...28 June 1995...at that moment i was thinking that i am the luckiest boy on earth...because i had beaten thousands of students to get a place in that school...my rank was 52 and my school no. 1952...it was not just a number..it became my identity for next six years...well one more thing..at the moment I was admitted in that school I was 10 years 10 month 28 days old....it also means I lived in my home with my family for just 10 years 10 months and 28 days since the time of my birth...at that moment i didn't realize that...but now when i think of that...i feel really sad....i spent very less time at my home..after that I became a guest for forever. Whenever i go home..i am treated at guest.

The very first night at school was the toughest one...lots of boys were crying...i was not good at it..i can't cry in front of anyone....but i cried when everyone slept...and from that moment started the crying business for next four years...I still remember first time my parents came to meet me...first i tried to show that m so happy here..but when they start leaving...four people were dragging me to school to take me away from them....Hmmmmm.....it was the worst time of life...i don't want to remember it...sometimes i see in dreams that again i've reached to school...and get so scared....its still my worst nightmare. But in between all those bad moments there were some good ones too....the best thing that i got from that school is the yearly school trips and the friends...my closest friends are still from the school...we are like brothers...)))

Well...anyway...that's not what i intended to write....actually my mind is kind of empty now..or you can say i don't want to think about anything...now my life is going through a phase which is hard to classify as bad or worst...because i don't know what else is there in store for me....time always surprises me with the most unthinkable situations....

After many years...almost after 20 years...i'm living at my home..not as a guest...but as a elder most male member of the family...of course i don't feel myself fit for that position...but there's no choice. My father left that place for me...for 28 years he gave me complete freedom...never gave any responsibility to me...may be he knew one day it'll automatically come on my shoulders...may be that's why he use to come in my dreams every night 10 days before his death...but i couldn't understand that....though i was wondering why i see my father every night in my dreams...i even shared that with a friend....well...its all over now...:(

There's no desire left in me. Its not that i'm depressed or sad or anything like that....m just too bored from everything...i don't want to complicate my life any further by doing anything new....i've seen and experienced everything that is required to know the true nature of life. The saddest part is...there is no love in this world.

kuch khayal....

Jaipur
Hotel rainbow
room no. 103
25 dec 2012

Its christmas!!!

i know i'm not a christian n its not my festival too...but i have some desires...n i need a santa who can give back my life to me.....for last 3-4 years my life is in limbo....i have no idea what i'm doing, why m doing....what i want, i don't want...i never thought i would reach at this level.....something has gone wrong...can't figure out what...may be i know but don't have courage to accept it...because its my life...always lived the i wanted to live...so there should be no regrets.... May be its the loneliness....i always say that i like being alone...but the truth is i always look out for company....i feel really happy when somebody calls me or send me a good night message....i have friends and even have girlfriend....though nobody consider her as my gf as she lives thousands of kilometers away from me...but she is my only hope...she loves me...and it feels good when i do something for her....but the sad part is... she lives very far away....which means she cant take away my loneliness...she cant go on a walk with me...i cant hold her hand...i cant sleep on her lap....hmmmmm....may be i'm asking too much....or may today m very lonely...:) well, it happens sometimes....mmm...the thing is...i still miss her....the one who i think is responsible for all this....but in reality i'm responsible for everything...i cant put the blame of my life on others...ya, she is other person...always was...it was me who always believed she was mine....that was one big mistake....now i have become 'matured'...cant commit that mistake again...always keep this thing in mind that nobody...NOBODY...can be yours...everyone lives their life...at different times with different people....i know its sad...but once u accept the truth...life becomes easy.

I'm still in the phase of accepting this truth)

par kuch hai...jo mujhe use bhoolne nai deta.....she was not only a girlfriend...the best time i had with her was before becoming her boyfriend...when there was no name of our relation....it was like a universe....so vast...with no dimensions....she was the best friend with whom i can share anything....she was best co-artist with whom my best emotions comes out on stage..... best lover whose kiss makes me forget the world....she was also a mother who i can show all my tantrums n sleep in her lap....she actually filled that void i felt for 7 years after i went away from my mother to study in military school.

khair, m writing all that here...because i can't tell this to anyone....our common friends and my friends don't even want to listen her name from my mouth.....they are more angry on her than me....its so funny)))

in sab baaton ka aaj ki date mein koi matlab nai hai...ho sakta hai main khud 2 din baad ise delete kar dun....


21:22 pm

Zara chheenk hi do tum....

चिपचिपे दूध से नहलाते हैं, आंगन में खड़ा कर के तुम्हें
शहद भी, तेल भी, हल्दी भी, ना जाने क्या क्या
घोल के सर पे लुढ़काते हैं गिलासियाँ भर के

औरतें गाती हैं जब तीव्र सुरों में मिल कर
पाँव पर पाँव लगाए खड़े रहते हो
इक पथराई सी मुस्कान लिए
बुत नहीं हो तो परेशानी तो होती होगी

जब धुआँ देता, लगातार पुजारी
घी जलाता है कई तरह के छौंके देकर
इक जरा छींक ही दो तुम
तो यकीं आए कि सब देख रहे हो

Written by Gulzar
Voice-over: Yogesh Kumar